you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize