Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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