i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
