I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
