i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
