I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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