You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
