Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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