So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
