So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
