my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
