i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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