girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
