They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
