I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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