i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
