I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize