just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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