Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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