Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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