I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
