I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How naked do you want me to be?
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