why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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