i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
