So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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