my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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