Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Someone came in the potted fern
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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