mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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