Umm I'm too high to move.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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