I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
