Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
