He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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