Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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