Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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