Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Actions speak louder than pants.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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