I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She even gives head with a lisp.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
