i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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