I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
