why didn't you poke me back
I want to have your abortion
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
