I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
