If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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