there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
