if you like me you must not know who I am
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
