Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
