so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
