Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
