her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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