This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
