trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
