Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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