Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
