I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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