just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
