You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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