i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
