my phone needs a breathalizer
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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