Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
