im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
false alarm. still invincible.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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