hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
