oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
