She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
