Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
