dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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