Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
