I am midnight drunk by noon
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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