Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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