sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
