Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
