Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
