everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
