you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
